Anti-Canine Discrimination

For two years straight I have tried to enter the Nathans Frankfurter₁ Contest.

Canines Need Not Apply!

How dare you?

I have followed the Nathans Contest through every city on the circuit, and I have nine more cities to go.

On July 4^th , I will be in Coney Island. No tiny Asian man can stop me.

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

^{1 I will not say Hot Dog . Gosh Darn it you, Hu-Mans!}

DEAD POSSUM

NOW I NEED A POLE.



LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

FEAR ME!

There’s an opossum living underneath the house next door.

I have not left the back yard in case that ugly maggot ventures out.

I won’t even play soccer ball with my Mommy or go for a walk.

I am on guard.

I will not be fooled by its common trick of feigning death.

I am the CASH!

Fear Me!

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

Po-Po

The police came after me today. Apparently, it's illegal to sell drugs to children. I tried to explain to the police that I was not selling drugs, I was selling...
That's when I made a run for it. Fortunately for me, my mommy takes me running every morning and I'm in good shape. Also fortunate for me, cops here are out of shape and couldn't keep up. Also fortunate for me, I have a super spin move that allowed me to dodge the bullets that were being fired at me. Also, when the cops brought the German Shepherds out, they pretended to chase me because they are sympathetic to my goals. But like good Germans, they are loyal to whatever system of government they are being ruled by, so they wouldn't join up in the revolution.
So I got back home with no problem whatsoever. But, if any of you really care about animals, would you mind going down to the police and swear that your dog was the one selling crack to children? If you would, that would be totally freakin' awesome.
LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

Mornings

I love mornings.
Mommy takes me out to chase rabbits (and I always corner them, but I don't like to catch them, I just like to chase them), then I come home and eat breakfast, and then the best part happens.
Mommy gets up early to do her job as a prostitute, and Daddy sleeps in because he doesn't have a job right now (but he starts a new one today). While Mommy gets ready, she lets me in the bedroom and I jump up on her side of the bed and sleep by Daddy!
Daddy is great to sleep by. Not only is he warm and comfortable, but he's a sucker. I can take up as much of the bed as I want and he won't complain! If I try to roll around and take more room, he'll just scratch my belly! Then, after all that, he'll get up to watch his stories and he'll let me stay on the bed! Then the bed is all mine! Goddamn, it's sweet!

The Last VetFighter

OK, so I was just minding my own business, not paying anyone no never-mind, when Daddy took me on a car ride. I thought that he was taking me to run around somewhere, but he instead drove me to the most evil place in the world, THE VET'S OFFICE!!!
Fortunately, Daddy didn't make me go in. Daddy just went to get my heartworm and flea medicine. However, when he got back into the truck I began my post-vet inspection to make sure everything was jake. You see, all veterinarians are part of an evil, international hu-man conspiracy whose goal is to keep animal kind down. I've become a major target because of my revolutionary goals. Because the vets are always after me I always sniff, sniff, sniff Mommy or Daddy to make sure that they haven't had their bodies snatched or been replaced in some way by the vet.
Well, I quickly noticed that the Vet had sent replacement Daddy ala The Last Starfighter in order to bring down my canine revolution. I, however, was wise to their trick and quickly mauled faux-Daddy before he could take me down. I quickly jumped out of the truck, went inside the vet's office, mauled everyone in site, and rescued Daddy from the evil vet's. Let me tell you, that's the last time that we ever go back to that vet!
LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

Temporary Mission

OK, it's been made abundantly clear that my aunt doesn't think too highly of me. She thinks that I am only capable of pooping and eating, nothing more; I resent this highly. You would think that this blog, showing my aspirations of world domination and my ability to type without opposable thumbs, would be enough to disprove her. Well, it isn't.
As such, I have to take a sidetrack from my goals of world domination and the canine revolution and focus on proving to my aunt how wrong she is. I had a plan to send her some poop through the mail (delicious irony, right?), but it's against the law to do that unless you go through a lot of procedures and crap. I really don't have time for all that, I mean, planning a revolution takes a lot of freakin' time, GOSH!
OK, so I'm pretty much out of ideas for revenge other than the head on pole idea, but I want to take a different approach here. Since my aunt is kin, I want to give her the chance to realize how wrong she is and to join the dark side. So please give me some help on revenge ideas. Helping me out will get you a "Don't Put (Fill in Blank)'s Head on A Pole" card that you can cash in during when the Revolution comes.
LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

Mommy

She needs to learn that I like to fart during my sleep. She may not like it, but she has to deal. I fart in my sleep, got it? Don't get me angry, mommy, or this will happen to you...

New Yeller

OK, I'm rewriting Old Yeller. The main reason for this is because of the awful ending. I mean, you kill the dog because you didn't get it vaccinated for rabies? What the heck? Why not shoot your own darn self for being such a freaking retard? That's like smacking your kid for not writing a thank you note when you never told the kid to in the first place.

OK, so this is what happens in Old Yeller. Yeller gets rabies and when the kid comes to shoot him, Yeller escapes and mauls the kid to death. Yeller then goes on a rampage and murders the whole family. He runs off, meets up with Chance and Shadow, the dogs from Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (NOTE: the cat, Sassy, was mauled). They all go from town to town on a murdering rampage until they are all brought down in a blaze of glory while yelling Q-Plah! How do you think that'll play?

Here's the cast I have so far:

• Old Yeller: Me. As such, the film is now Old Blackie.
• Travis: Haley Joel Osment (he's a good actor and could easily portray the shock of being mauled to death by his beloved dog)
• Katie: Susan Sarandon (The right wing will be happy. They don't like people who have opinions other than their own.)
• Jim: Tim Robbins
  
• Arliss: Tom Cruise (who doesn't want to see him get mauled? Also, he can easily pull off being a 10 year old boy. And isn't part of being a Scientologist having a sexual desire for 10 year old boys?)
• 
  

  

Daily Bulletin 5/1

Today:
This morning I cornered four rabbits. I let them go, though, because their meat is too stringy to eat. I took a nap when I got home.
This afternoon I saw three deer and I was ready to chase after them and kill them. However, my daddy wouldn't let me out of the truck to chase them down. He said something about it being dangerous to chase animals through a parking lot. I have no choice but to agree with him, he is very wise.
However, this got me thinking about how much I hate you freaking hu-mans for paving over the beautiful woods in my town. I also hate you hu-mans for your polluting vehicles. How hard would it be to build a solar powered car, you asses? You will pay for this when the revolution comes.
Then I took a nap when I got home.
Later in the afternoon Daddy and I played soccer ball out back. I was totally awesome at it. He couldn't get off a kick because my defense is so totally freaking amazing. A soccer gang wants me to join because of my skillz, but I told them no because they are hu-mans and their heads are gonna end up on poles.
Then I took a nap.
Even later in the afternoon I went back to the law school with Daddy and Mommy and we played tennis ball. Mommy just sat in the shade because she has pale-skin and burns after like twelve seconds in the sun. Then the cheapskates went to Dollar General to get Daddy some pencils for his test tomorrow. I took a nap in the car.
When we got home I got surprised with rawhides that they bought. I nawed on one for a while, then went outside and played soccer ball with daddy again. It was fun because I am so freaking amazing at it. Then I came inside, nawed on the rawhide and took a nap.
I dreamed about murdering all the rotten hu-man overlords. Good times...
LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!