John Edwards Sold Me Out!!!

With all the recent bitterness in the political campaigns, candidates are starting to look for wedge issues, and I'm the new wedge. John Edwards, in his never-ending desperate attempt to be President, is now arguing that President Bush hasn't done enough to keep the world safe from its most pressing danger, Radical Fundamental Canine Terrorism. I'm used to the heat, but this is particularly distressing. You see, Edwards and I worked out a deal whereby Canines would take out Hillary and Obama supporters in Iowa if he would distribute $10 million to the Revolution. Everything was going fine until last week when Edwards brought the issue up. While it wouldn't normally be a big deal, I have some deep cover operatives who have been programmed to take out their Mastahs for quite some time now and nothing is likely to stop them. So, um, I'm probably going to need to disappear for a little while. You guys haven't seen me.

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

23 MONTHS SUCKAS

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

My Plans Take Shape

A lot of you may not think that I am actually capable of plotting a revolution or taking action. You are fools. While my pathetic parents were away in Baltimore for their little trip (they didn't have any fun, though, because I wasn't there), I gained a valuable ally in the Revolution, my Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is awesome. He was in the military for a while and served in Iraq and Somalia (he hated both places). He has important Revolution skills and put me through intensive training. Here's a picture of me during training, I'm on guard.







Where's the picture, you ask? It's too super-secret for you to see, sorry. OK, OK, I know that you really want to see it, so here you go.








LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

Things I Will Get Rid Of

When I take over, I will most certainly get rid of those stupid PC v. Mac computer commercials. They used to be cute, but now they just anger me. I will also get rid of scripted programming. This can be somewhat intelligent and can make Hu-mans think. I do not like this. Stupid Hu-mans make it easier for me to take over the world. This is why I prefer reality programming. Stupid reality shows like American Idol, Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?, and Dancing With The Stars make Hu-mans dumber and more malleable. This is why I took the time to engineer a writer's strike. Without intelligent, funny, and humorous programming, Hu-mans become complacent and just accept whatever is thrown at them. That's why, once the reality tv programming takes over just about every time-slot, I will move in with my own reality show, Hu-man Heads On Poles.

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!