This Post Is For Big Grandma

Big Grandma recently got her National Board Teacher certification which means that she will be due for a substantial increase in pay. Now that she has more money to spend, I expect that I will finally be given all of the things that I have asked for and not received for birthdays and Christmas. No longer can Grandpa and her rely on the "We don't have money excuse". But before I detail what it is that I want, I will have to say that I should be the prime beneficiary of my Grandparents' increased wealth. First, her kids need to learn to take care of themselves and should not rely on their parents anymore. Second, her oldest child has gone over to the darkside and been corrupted by the cats. He has FIVE cats in his house. Sad, I know, he will not survive the Revolution. Sorry, Big Grandma, but he has sinned and he must pay for it.
OK, now to what I want. My wishes are simple. First I would like some more peanut butter.
Second, I would like an automatic tennis ball launcher. This looks pretty cool, and Mommy and Daddy are too busy/lazy/drunk to play with me. They say they don't play fetch with me because I stop playing after they throw the ball twice and I go sniff the backyard for animals, but I don't think that's true. And besides, they should love playing with me so much that it doesn't matter what I do or how long it takes me to fetch something.

Third, I would like to get a tank
some mustard gas and some anthrax. You may be asking what I need with all of this, but trust me, Big Grandma, it's better for you not to know. You just need to trust me on this one.

Fourth, I would like some real estate. Real estate is always a good investment, land is the only thing that people aren't making more of.

Fifth, I will also need a great deal of catnip

and rat poison. I could also use some lead paint. Again, it's probably better if you don't ask what this is for.